From: Almighty G. [firstname.lastname@example.org]
Hi. I’m your creator. I’m sorry you haven’t seen much of me lately, but I’ve had to take a more managerial approach in regard to this whole existence issue, and I have been trying to delegate some of the day-to-day tasks. As you know, a while back I brought my son into the business, and though his efforts (and your reaction) were somewhat a disappointment, I think he’ll eventually get the hang of it.
Ugh… I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to bring this up, and I don’t want to harp on the issue, but I told him to keep it simple, you know? I said: “perform a few miracles, tell ‘em what you want ‘em to do, and Poof! Get the heck outta there!”
Friggin hippie kid! He says “yeah, yeah, yeah!” like he knows everything better than me. Then he says “like, you never listen to me.” And then what does he do? He goes and farts around for thirty years before he “finds himself,” performs a few (what I feel are rather anemic) miracles in my name (I mean – raining fire they were not!), and then lays this “do unto others” shit on you folks. Like you fools can handle that!
Whatever I say is wrong! If I talk about smiting and laying waste, he gets all touchy-feely and talks about love and forgiveness and shit. Then he realizes I was right, and here he comes with all the drama trying to clean up his mess and get the heck out of there! All the betrayal and then that slow, suffering death – oh, man! Then the dumb kid forgets something, has to go back, and has to try to come up with a cover story for THAT! Oh, Jesus!
Oh, He makes me laugh! Hey, what can I say? I told him to keep it simple. I said “10 rules, tops! And even then you can’t expect them to keep ‘em all straight.” I mean, ‘covet your neighbor’s ass?’ I NEVER said that. In fact, I never said 99% of the bullshit you people keep supposedly quoting. And don’t give me the song and dance about the prophets, because the prophets are right here, and I can just ask any one of them right now if you’d like… Really, go ahead.
Streets paved with gold? Bullshit!
72 Virgins? Bullshit!
All the hangups about sex? You idiots! I love sex! Do you realize how hard it was to make it so that it took two to tango? Sex is my greatest gift to you, and you all turn it into this horrible, twisted, nasty thing! Don’t you realize that my favorite prayer to hear is “Oh God! Oh God! OH GOD!?!” Man, I love that!
So, you putting words in my mouth, that’s the kind of stuff that really pisses me off. It’s one of the main reasons for this email. You all know how I’ve said not to put words into my mouth? I warned you about false prophets, and about using my name to get credit, right? I mean, you WERE warned, right?
So, here’s the deal: You knock it off, and I don’t destroy you for another little while. Fair? I think so. By the way, to clarify: there’s no rapture. Right, no “chosen,” and no “left behind.” Earth is a lifeboat, and whether y’all sink or swim, y’all are gonna do it together. If I bring the end of days, that means the ride’s over and everyone’s ticket gets punched. Clear?
Well, now that I’ve made that point, I’ll answer some of your questions. Here we go (to be re-posted on the www.1.org FAQ):
Q: Creation or Evolution?
A: Well, I created evolution, so there! You people thinking you’re going to understand the universe is like a bacteria thinking he’s going to build a Ferrari. Have all the fun you want learning and theorizing, but don’t think you’ve ever gotten it all figured out. Here’s a tip: If you think it’s all starting to make sense, realize that you’re just about to find a whole new layer of complexity! Why? Because, I’m inscrutable, beeotch!
Q: “Are you for or against Gay Marriage?”
A: What the fuck do I care? Why the fuck should you care? Unless they need your help, leave other people ALONE!
Q: “Who do you back in our ‘holy’ wars?”
A: I don’t really like spectator sports.
Q: “What religion is best?”
Q: “Why do you allow suffering in the world?”
A: You won’t understand, but it has to do with a butterfly beating its wings or something (see? Inscrutable!).
Q: “What happens when I die?”
A: For you? Straight to hell for all eternity… [kidding!]
Q: “I need constant direction. When will regular Godcasts be available for my iGod?”
A: I’m gonna bitch-smite you!
Q: “Who is superior, man or woman?”
A: Man. No, wait: Woman! Sorry, I get confused. Which is the smarter one again?
And Finally, the number one question:
Q: “Can you hear my prayers?”
A: Yes, but you see, I don’t play requests!
Well, gotta run. Don’t forget the calling out my name during orgasm thing. I mean, what an ego boost – even for He Who Is I Am! In fact, my best advice: you should all be doing that sex thing several times a day – that would solve many, if not all, of you people’s problems.
And you’ve got My Word on that!
NOTE: You can opt-out of this mailing list at any time, but you’d probably die.
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